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Just need to put it out there

posted 8-4-2021 @ 04:06 AM www
Just need to put it out there

For almost all of the past 5 years I have been struggling to interact on posts, it's not been through lack of interest as to what my Lotto family are doing.

Both my parents have been declining with Dementia, they were living in a small country town with no assistance for those in need.

As the only surviving 1 of their children it has been up to me to look after them just as they had always been their for me.

I was spending 2 weeks each month with them then coming home seeking help for them, I can tell you it is very hard to find, add-in living in a rural area and it's impossible, so many things I was unable to do from up there due to next to none at the best of times a reliable phone service and even internet. Was also difficult to make calls from their home where they could hear what was being said , I was armed with what their Doctor's were telling me but they were unable to accept.

Neither had done an Enduring power of attorney so for a lot of things my hands were tied till I found Carers QLD who were my angels , they kept me informed of my rights to protect my parents, did all the paper work and even attended the meetings with QCAT to have me appointed as their Guardians & Administrator to ensure all bills were being paid. It also gave me the right to find a suitable placement for them in a Care Facility, by this stage their Doctor was threatening to bring in The Public Trustee who had the power if the Doc gave the word to remove them from their home with the possibility they could be placed separately anywhere they saw fit, lock up their home & I would not be allowed to renter to retrieve even their clothing.

Thankfully going through QCAT allowed me to choose where they were placed, I was able to find them a beautiful place fairly close to me.

It was not an easy transission with my Mum, she was in complete denial and become very aggressive towards me because in her eyes I had been the 1 that drove them down.

I have had to pack up or depose of their 70 years of hard work. I tried taking little things that Mum loved down to make their room more homely but she would just smash or throw in bins around the home , some with Dementia can be very cunning and it took the wonderful staff quite some time to see through the sweet elderly lady act she put up. So many things if it weren't so serious you would have to laugh at.

Last year with Covid and so many lock downs was so hard, I was getting calls every time Dad had a fall of which there were many. The injuries were inconsistent with what I was being told were simple falls. I began to think Mum may have been responsible & voiced my concerns with management. At first it was dismissed but eventually people in adjoining rooms were complaining about Mum waking them up yelling at Dad, he went through a stage where he was like a naughty child jumping around on the furniture or so I was told, when i saw him he was so frail and always asleep.

We had a few weeks where I was able to visit and at 1 stage when Mum left the room Dad kept telling me he wanted peace, I was able to have a meeting with the heads of staff and by this time they had noticed a change in Dad, he seemed to be trying to avoid being alone in the room with Mum, then he had a black eye & told staff Mum had punched him.
After that they had someone check every 15 minutes and they saw Mum pushing him over as well as slapping him, so we had another meeting were it was decided the only way to protect Dad was to move him to a secure ward.

The same day Mum said she wanted to go out for a haircut, I was able to arrange to take her out so long as it was to an independent hairdresser , not allowed to go into a shopping center. So it all just fell into place, I took Mum out for a few hours and they moved Dad. Before we left we both noticed he appeared worse than normal do the staff were informed.

By the time we got back we were greeted by several staff members and told Dad had been taken to hospital. He has been in renal failure for more than 2 years so that made the lie believable to her. I have had to lie to Mum since last November to keep him safe, something I really disliked doing but it was about Dad's safety.
After Mum was told that day she asked me to leave so she could be alone to process it all, I just wanted to see Dad and how he was doing so was relieved to be able to go to him.
When I saw him he had just woken up and was confused as to where he was, I explained that he was in a safe place so Mum could no longer hurt him, I wish I had a pic of his reaction, he was so happy then saw others out side and grabbed his walker to go join them. We walked in the garden, played some games the staff do with all clients. I knew then we had done the right thing.
Then more lock downs and weeks where I couldn't visit, next time I saw Mum she told me she was a widow now but after listening to how upset she was I told her he was being kept in hospital because they had to keep him on a drip for his kidneys. Mum was quite happy that he was still alive but wanted to visit him, thankfully due to Covid that was not able to happen. Visits have been very few due to the fact that every time there is a case all care facilities go into immediate lock down with Mum having plenty of time to think. I did get to see them twice and she (her words) was moving on as Dad would never be back so no talk about him nor need to keep up the lie. Thought I did have to leave the building as Mum always wanted to be at the door out to say goodbye, I would then be taken in the back way to see Dad who bye that stage had lost so much weight, was on pureed food and needed feeding, he was also non verbal other than for no when he had eaten a few spoonful's of his dinner and would refuse any more, we had done a role refusal with me feeding him to help the staff.

I had been unable to visit for the past 7 weeks with 2 forced lock downs then the facility staying in lock down due to a couple of clients coming down with the flu & all being confined to their rooms.

On Tuesday evening I received a call to say Dad had had a fall and they were calling an ambulance, then at 11.30 I received a call from the Hospital to let me know he needed to be kept in for an ultra sound to check for any sign of a brain bleed, another call from them at 1.45am to let me know he was just going in .
Then startled awake before 8 to be told not only did he have a bleed on the brain but also a fractured vertebrae in his neck and how soon could I get down there to consult with the Doctors, thankfully today was the 1st day the sun has been out and several roads I needed to use were no longer under water.

My beautiful Dad looked so small in that hospital bed and had a black eye as well as bruising over most of his body.
I was taken into a room with Doctor's and a Social worker where the few options were given to me, he is not going to recover. They just wanted me to decide whether he should remain in a neck brace or take it off him, keeping him comfortable with a Morphine drip back at the Care Facility. The difference in how long he would last being only a week at the most.
Having been in a neck brace several times myself and his chin already quite red from where it was rubbing I choose for him to be with out it.
Oh when he got back the Doctor had not done the clip for a drip nor were there any instruction to give Dad pain relief other than if they thought he needed it

It breaks my heart that my Dear Father is not going to be with us for much longer but in reality the man he was has been mentally gone for quite some time now, unable to speak for himself or eat anything more than baby food. His dignity long gone and he is totally reliant on the wonderful staff to get him up, bathe and dress him, place him out with others for him to just fall asleep , head on the table.
The Doctor's said he will most likely move in his sleep and be gone, I wish I'd been able to sleep there holding his hand tonight.

While they were waiting for a free ambulance to return Dad I rang ahead to arrange to tell Mum what was happening, I was only able to see Mum sitting outside the front door wearing a gown and mask though they did allow me to lower my mask because Mum couldn't understand what I was saying . I thought she would want to see him but she decided no, having not seen him since last November she couldn't remember what he looked like and said he was her past (they had been together over 70 years) and now she is looking towards her future, she has accepted she is where she needs to be (finally) and is enjoying having all her needs meet by others, I suppose I should be grateful for that as even our last visit all she wanted was to be let out of jail and go home where she could do her ballet and anything else she wanted to do.

I have always said I don't hate anything but since this journey with both parents I DO hate Dementia , the effects not just on those with it but with the families or in my case just me are devastating.

Sorry if I've rambled but it was too late by the time I got home to call anyone of the few close friends I still have.

My sister passed away many years ago and both my boys, I have no one to help me through this. Think that is why I'm really missing the boys so much.

For those of you that believe please say a prayer that our heavenly Father sees fit to not allow Dad to suffer any more.

I love you Dad, so many wonderful memories of what a loving and caring Father as well as Grandfather you have been. So many pearls of wisdom you taught me growing up that have stayed with me, keeping me going through this roller coaster we have been on the past few years.

"My spirit is free. But I'll always be near ,As long as I'm alive in your heart " That you will be my caring sons .

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posted 8-4-2021 @ 05:49 AM www

Oh gupsy, you have me in tears. You have been through so much and still standing. I really never understand while so many have to go through so much heartache and you have my dear. You are a wonderful daughter who has done the right thing for your parents.
Dementia is heart breaking . It robs our loved ones of so much. I pray no more suffering for your dad. God bless you all.
posted 8-4-2021 @ 06:06 AM www

Oh, gypsy - I have come and gone from Lottos and had various usernames throughout the years - but your name has been a constant here.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this experience - so many mixed emotions and no doubt all draining. Sending peace and comfort to you and extra strength to get through the coming months - thank you for sharing x
posted 8-4-2021 @ 06:18 AM www

My thoughts are with you Gypsy, I understand fully what you have been through my father had dementia too ,he effected me , my mum cared for him for year's he was agressive ,when he passed over I was relieved for mum ,myself and even himself a total nightmare. Stay strong and god bless ,you will get through this .
posted 8-4-2021 @ 06:50 AM www

You are awesome. Most people onky have to manage one parent with dementia not 2.

You are describing my actual job.

The love, respect you have for your parents is what you draw on to make the right decisions for them.

You will look back on this time in ur life and hopefully feel really proud of your self for putting your parents needs first.

I love reading lotto members stories and the compassion other members show.
posted 8-4-2021 @ 06:54 AM www

So heartbreaking Gypsy, thank you for sharing. Prayers to you xx
posted 8-4-2021 @ 07:10 AM www

Sending my love to you.
You sound like an amazing daughter to them xx
posted 8-4-2021 @ 07:28 AM www

Reading your post has brought me to tears Gypsy. Heartbreaking for your mum, dad and the anguish you are going through. I hope Lottos love with give you strength to face what you will have to deal with.
posted 8-4-2021 @ 07:43 AM www

Sending you love and prayers.
posted 8-4-2021 @ 08:12 AM www

Sending you hugs gypsy. We are here to listen to you anytime you need some help. Take care xxx
posted 8-4-2021 @ 08:25 AM www

Hey Gypsy. I'm living the dementia nightmare also with my husband. It's pure cray cray every single day. If you haven't stumbled across it there is a facebook page with over 50,000 members who %100 'get it' and are so supportive. It's really been a lifesaver for me. On the days I think I can't cope any more as for example my husband has been really angry as wants to go home all day (and we ARE at home which is the same home he's lived in for over 30 years), I jump onto the facebook page and that's NORMAL on there for so many. Somehow it helps to know there are others going through the same S%#&!.
Anyway in case you want to join here's the name: (a lot of the members are in the US but they're from all over the world).

Alzheimers and Dementia Caregivers Support
posted 8-4-2021 @ 08:26 AM www

I read that with tears in my eyes Gypsy, Im thinking of you and sending prayers that your father is not longer in pain, how amazing you are and how lucky they are to have you. Sending love and hugs xxx
posted 8-4-2021 @ 08:54 AM www

You are such a strong woman. Sending love and hugs xx

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posted 8-4-2021 @ 09:23 AM www

Thank you that insight we are starting this journey too with a mum who is abusing her hubby and us sisters are trying ways to protect him. Thank you for sharing your insight , I am sending strength to you, and may your Dad pass peacefully, all the best Gypsy. x

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posted 8-4-2021 @ 09:55 AM www

Sorry to read that you are going through this Gypsy. You are a very strong person and continue to be so.
posted 8-4-2021 @ 10:03 AM www

Sending you love and prayers gypsy. Your incredible dedication will be awarded in the next chapter of our existence for sure . Keep well.
posted 8-4-2021 @ 10:13 AM www

This is such a hard path to walk. My prayers are with you Gypsy.
posted 8-4-2021 @ 10:14 AM www

Dear Gypsy,

I know what you are going through.

May the angels meet him on his passing and lead him into paradise.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dear father.

posted 8-4-2021 @ 12:57 PM www

OMG my heart breaks for you and i am in tears
posted 8-4-2021 @ 12:58 PM www

OMG my heart breaks for you and i am in tears
posted 8-4-2021 @ 06:12 PM www

I shed a tear reading your story. Everything you have done, doing and decided was out of love. You are strong, kind, resilient and respected by all here on Lottos. Take care.
posted 8-4-2021 @ 07:07 PM www

Can I start by saying THANK YOU, as a carer of many people with dementia I adore the love you have for your parents. I have left many clients and cried all the way home as its heartbreaking. The ones that are young are the hardest and the ones who have no one who cares for them. I can't take your pain away but I want you to know that your a wonderful kind daughter. Dementia is very cruel
posted 8-4-2021 @ 07:16 PM www

So sorry to hear what you are going through and know that so many people out here are thinking of you. We went through similar experiences with 2 family members with Alzheimer’s and it is heartbreaking. What a wonderful daughter you are. Take care of yourself xo
posted 8-4-2021 @ 08:01 PM www

so sorry to hear about your parents. Such a cruel thing dementia
My thoughts and prayers are with you it not easy to this on your own take care
posted 8-4-2021 @ 08:20 PM www

My thoughts and prayers are with you Gypsy. My precious Mum has suffered from Dementia for at least the last 12 years. As I live interstate I have not been able to be there for her as much as I would like and since Covid haven't been able to travel to see her at all. She has not known who I am for at least 6 or 7 years and it's getting harder and harder for me to have a phone conversation with her as she has no idea who I am and tries to get me to hang up as she is so confused. To make matters worse, one of my sisters who is a year younger than me has just been diagnosed with Dementia as well and has become very aggressive towards me. She, too, lived interstate and recently her only child managed to have her moved over here as he also lives in my State. Unfortunately, she has become so angry towards me (for no apparent reason) that I am unable to visit her at the moment. It's so cruel and so sad. I wouldn't wish this awful disease on anyone. Those you love so much remain here in body ... but not in soul.
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